Until Dawn
How I am learning to persevere through seasons of grief
Night
The holidays are coming, and many are already putting up Christmas trees, and it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet! Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to do this, but the AuDHD (Autism-Adhd) in me says there is an order to things, and we have to wait until one holiday is over before we move on to another. If you know, you know!
Unfortunately for others, the holidays bring with them an undeniable reminder of the things, people, opportunities, relationships, or dreams lost. The job you were let go from just before the holidays, sometime ago, or recently. The dreams you had for your child and their future will no longer be, because of a life-altering diagnosis. The marriage ended. The life you wished you could have had without the childhood trauma in your rearview mirror. The loved one who is deceased. Whatever it is, it can feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders and at the same time like the air is being sucked out of the earth.
Grief is not something you experience once and move on. It is a cycle that we revisit throughout our lives. I see it as the body’s way of supporting our central nervous system by periodically moving things around in our psyche to keep those areas clear of buildup and to keep them healthy. Like cleaning out a closet.
Have you heard the saying, “the night is always darkest before the dawn”? I had heard this a few times in my life, but it wasn’t until I began to go through therapy for myself that I realized what this meant. Traumatic experiences have a way of burying themselves in the deepest closet of our hearts, and we somehow forget about them. Or at least we try to forget about the way they made us feel. Something about the overwhelming fear of experiencing something so painful all over again just feels too heavy to relive. So we don’t. But that doesn’t erase the fact that those things are still there, inside of us. Locked up and unattended. After a while, we realize we have placed everything that has caused us unrelenting sorrow in that locked closet, and it all comes pouring out. A mess. Scattered. Broken. I don’t know about you, but when I see a mess that seems impossible to collect, I become disregulated and upset. I feel overwhelmed at the sight of everything and just want to run from it, but I can’t. There is no denying the problem, and I have to face it. But how?
Shelter in Place
I used to be a Girl Scout when I was younger. Part of being a Girl Scout meant that sometimes you and your troop would go on camping trips…In the woods. During the day, we would plan a lot of activities, and it was always really fun. But when night came, we made sure that we had shelter and that we had each other. None of us was allowed to go anywhere without our buddies. Night meant there were things we couldn’t see, and that meant getting lost and being in an unnecessarily vulnerable situation.
For me, the holidays are hard. Every year. My children and I have all experienced trauma and loss as a family, and sometimes it really makes it less scary knowing we are healing together and making the best of the season as best we can. Together. Instead of trying to do “all the things”, we find a few meaningful things to do as a family. These are by far the BEST memories, and I pray my children will never forget them as they grow into adulthood. I also am learning that it’s “okay” to talk about things that we remember that we miss or that make us sad. That is part of the grief process. I may not have grown up with these tools, but I see the value now and want to pass them down to my children to have in their mental health toolboxes as well.
Rise and Shine
The thing about night is, it eventually ends. Yes, it will return, but not before its time has come. The strength we need to move forward and live a wonderful life with courage and hope is attainable. We know that grief and trauma touch all of us at some point in our lives. We also know that we were never meant to walk through it alone. We, as a species, were meant to have fellowship with one another. The ups and downs come, but when we have a helping hand, we can rise higher and stand taller despite the hard times that have brought us to our knees in sorrow.
I hope that if this is you anywhere in this article, you would consider some of the resources attached to help provide a “shelter” for you in your season of grief. If you are in a place where you can help someone else, I hope that you will. We all need each other.
Lightening the load with a funny”
“What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?… Dam.”
Resources:
Divorce Care: Surviving the Holidays
Stephen Ministry: Care for the Community in Difficult Times
Thank you for reading along!
Bless you!